How to be the King of Unhappy in 3 Easy Steps
The Internet’s Only Complete and Total Guide to Being Absolutely Miserable
08 February 2018
Unhappiness technique #1: Avoid the present like the plague.
- When you are in line at the grocery store, always remember to take your phone out of your pocket and frantically start swiping your e-mails while the cashier is ringing up your items.
When the cashier asks you how your day is going, never make eye contact and just grunt.When it comes to your unhappiness, being present is the enemy.
Avoid it at all costs.
- When your mom or dad calls you, instead of fully engaging with the conversation put them on speaker and head over to your Facebook page so that you can keep up with any recent updates on the Real Housewives that happened in the last 30 seconds.IMPORTANT – Make sure to keep your audio on so that when an ad pops up- they can hear it in the background.Be sure to mumble “yeah” and “mmm hmm” at random intervals every 15 seconds or so.
- When you’re out to dinner with your friends, never hesitate to whip out your phone when you feel it vibrate and ponder your next move on Words with Friends for as long as it takes.Also feel free to take a picture of your dinner with friends and share it on Facebook.
Spend the time you have remaining at dinner replying to all of the comments.
Use words and phrases like, “It was an amazing time!” … “Nothing like it.” … “Much Needed.” … and “Rejuvenating”.
- If you are spending time with your family, always wish you were back in your home by yourself.Conversely if you’re home by yourself, always wish you were spending time with your family.
The Takeaway: The more you avoid being present with the world around you, the unhappier you will be.
If you can manage to miss those special, irreplaceable moments then even better.
This will give you something to sustain your unhappiness for a much longer period of time.
Unhappiness Technique #2: Never be grateful for anything, ever.
- If you win a million-dollar lottery, dwell on the taxes you have to pay. Make a list of all the crappy things the government will do with your money that serves you absolutely no purpose. Also, check the size of last week’s lottery. It was $10,000,000, wasn’t it?If you would have only hit the lottery LAST week you could have done so many more things with your winnings. It’s so your luck to hit the lottery when it’s at the lowest possible point.
- If you have a spouse or significant other, always minimize their accomplishments and hyperfocus on how they can do better.For instance, if they practice mindfulness meditation for an hour every day, ask them why they don’t use transcendental meditation as it’s the vastly superior way.If they are on a diet, be sure to point out every time they slip up. As a matter of fact, if they do decide to try and better themselves by going on a diet, be sure to buy their favorite foods that they aren’t allowed to eat.This will create an unhappiness trickle-down effect. They will fail their diet which will make them unhappy, which will in turn create an unhappy atmosphere that will inevitably lead you to feeling unhappy. You’re welcome!
- If your ever realize that your morning has been going perfectly and you start getting overcome by the fear you’re about to be happy, try to find the one thing that hasn’t gone well and then dwell on it for the rest of the day. For instance, you wake up in bed and realize that your partner has brought you breakfast served alongside your favorite cup of tea.You start eating your breakfast and find yourself desperately craving something to quench your thirst. As the tea touches the inside of your mouth you realize that they have forgotten to add a teaspoon of honey to your tea, just the way you have told them 10,000 times you like it. Now you have to get out of bed and add it in yourself.Be sure to let them know their mistake and how thoughtless they were in forgetting the honey. Remind them you have told them 10,000 times that honey is your favorite and accuse them of never listening to you.Now do not say another word to them before you leave for work and dwell on their thoughtlessness for the rest of the day. Do not respond to texts and make them say “I’m sorry” first.
The Takeaway: Being grateful for all of the amazing gifts you have in your life will bring you happiness. You must fight this feeling with every fiber of your being.
You must constantly hone your focus to notice what is wrong or missing, what you haven’t accomplished, and how the world is conspiring to make your life miserable.
For example: Yes, that car in front of you cut you off. Yes, they did it on purpose just because they wanted to make your day worse. Imagine yourself punching them in the face for 4 hours straight.
- Ask one of your closest friends to borrow some money.After they help you out, make it a point to never pay them back and never bring it up in conversation. Be sure to post on Facebook pictures of all the cool things you’re buying and awesome vacations you’re going on.
- If your neighbor asks you for a cup of sugar, do not, under any circumstance, give them any sugar.Tell them that you do not believe in sugar. Furthermore, you are offended that they have the audacity to believe that you are the type of person who would keep sugar in their home.Now bake them a pie in a flavor that they truly hate as an apology. Use extra sugar.
- If someone asks you to do them a favor, act concerned and say, “Absolutely, I’d love to help!”Now do absolutely nothing. Ignore their texts for a couple of days.If you run into them in public tell them that you just got busy and didn’t have time. Make sure to slip into the conversation a new show you’re watching that lasts approximately the same amount of time it would have taken you to do the favor.
- Only contact people when you absolutely need something from them. If you have a friend who is a lawyer and you haven’t spoken with them in six months, wait until you need some legal advice. If they’re smart (and they’re a lawyer so odds are that they are), they will realize you’re only using them and it will make them simultaneously hate you and feel bad about themselves.As a side bonus, maybe you have some mutual friends they will complain about you to. This is great because now not only does this friend hold you in contempt, your mutual friends do as well.
The Takeaway: Serving others is one of the three foundational pieces to being happy, therefore only serve yourself. If you can manage to make every single thing completely and utterly about yourself, I have no doubt you will inevitably reach the pinnacle of unhappiness. Give yourself 30 years or so and you may even become the president.